reconnecting with the past

February 16, 2009 at 9:45 pm (Weathered Days)

I ran across an old friend of mine online last night. I shot off an email and spent today emailing back and forth over the hours. The reconnection is enchanting and mysterious all at the same time. We’re both now married but living many, many moons apart. Imagine my surprise when I found out he’s now living in Las Vegas. My Vegas?? Unbelievable.

As we all know, you meet up with an old friend, and memories start flying. While we didn’t discuss much from the past, it was more of a what have you been up to sort of thing. My thoughts however, couldn’t be contained. They took me back to a time where most of those memories belonged to a different person. Much of the memories having next to nothing to do with Jason, just the entire world I was in at the time I last saw him.

My teen years sucked! Not so much, really. But I made them suck. I wanted so much to be beyond those moments, that age range, that time in life. I was a “grown woman”, and I was going to live as so.  At that time in my life, of course I never realized that I was trying to live beyond the dreams and moments any teen should live. I never thoroughly enjoyed my teenage years hanging out with girlfriends, shopping, having fun, being a kid, doing whatever it is that (some) teenage girls do. (I knew what the “other” girls were doing.)

Being as sucked into that life that I thought I had to have, I made many choices; most not the greatest. (I don’t really regret those choices. It’s been each choice and decision along the way that has gotten me to where I am now. Yes, I could be somewhere else, already finished with school, having a *nice* job, house, car, etc. But if I had that, would I still be me? would I still have Jamie and the kids? What would I really have?) Some of those choices were dramatized. Some of those choices weren’t mine to make, but to stay out of more trouble, I had to abide by the rulings. So I did, or just didn’t get caught again.

In trouble, in sticky situations, in fun times, in bad times, I clung to desperation. Desperate for what? I’m still not sure. I made stupid choices, did stupid things w/o ever blinking an eye. Yet, in the end, I pulled past it all.

I am who I am. My past was rough, my future is not paved. At times I thought a fresh start somewhere new would be great. I tried that, but who was I kidding?  I am who I am. No excuses. (Vegas was not for me for that exact reason!) I am not the same person I was just a few years ago, nor will I be the same each and every day of the future. But still, it’s all me.

A lot of thoughts ran about today. A lot of “what the hell?!” spurts of memories. But life is good because you’re still you, he is still he, and I am still me.